The real deal people…here’s your window into my head.

Walking through target tonight with the husband I suddenly got really light headed like I needed to sit down at that exact moment. I sat down and then got an OVERWHELMING sense of fear & dread. My heart was racing, i felt weird. I’d start feeling better and then boom! It all started coming on again. Finally I felt well enough to walk to the car and waited for the hubs to check out. (We went there for freezer bags for the dog’s food & Laundry detergent)

He came out and asked if I was ok. I felt weird but ok…then I got chest pains and that overwhelming sense of dread again…worse than I’ve ever gotten it. There was no talking me out of this one.

I calmed a little but it happened again and asked him to take me to the ER. I didn’t know if I was having a heart attack or a panic attack or what was happening!! it wasn’t good though, I felt horrible all of a sudden.

On our way to the ER I called my mom who said don’t worry they’ll do an EKG, you’ll be fine and if not…you’re in the right place.

I get to the ER and it wasn’t really busy…thank God! I got triaged, they did an EKG and then took me back.

Now, mind you…I’ve been to the ER a total of 4 times in my adult life and probably none in my young life. I’ve never broken a bone other than fingers and toes and haven’t had surgery besides my wisdom teeth out.

When they took me back and put me in the hall I felt better because if I was in the hall then I wasn’t dying. They didn’t rush me anywhere so my EKG must have been good.

I saw the doctor and she said my EKG was normal…no heart attack…and she was going to give me something to help and that I need to see my regular doctor and probably be prescribed something for this issue. Which I probably do and am making an appointment next week.

Obviously this is not anything I can talk myself out of anymore.
Obviously I have a little bit of stress in my life…

Part of my problem is that I seem myself and I see my father, who has had a heart attack and doesn’t really take care of himself. I was dieting and doing really well for a long time, but I stopped because I had too much life going on to try to deal with dieting too. I need to get back to that.

But if you look up panic attack and women’s heart attack symptoms…they are almost identical. So when I had a little pain in my arm, it was a heart attack…or when my back hurt a certain way…heart attack. And every commercial on the radio is about a heart attack…there’s this one about a hospital that has this one song…ok, so I was humming that song to myself in target tonight. What’s that all about. So I’m so worried about a dam heart attack that i’m having panic attacks instead? what is that? I can’t listen to the radio, every commercial is heart attack this, heart attack that…and the tv is the same way. I’m relieved though my EKG was normal, that will help me.

And my mom is diabetic…and that worries me too. It all worries me. So why not go to the doctor? i don’t want to hear what they have to say honestly. i don’t want to hear that I need to lose weight. I’m not stupid, I know that. But I’m going in next week. I need to take care of myself.

And I need to lessen the stress in my life one way or another. Heh, how do you do that? Work is stressful, home is stressful, it’s been one thing after another added on. Too many worries, too many changes.

I want to curl up somewhere in a ball and just stay there until I feel better and everything’s ok. Not possible. I’m the bread winner. I need to work to keep the roof over our heads, the utilities on and to keep us and the babies fed.

It’s alot on my shoulders. And obviously my body/mind thinks so too.

I always say everything’s ok or it will be ok.

Right now though, I’m not ok

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